Dec 28, 2011

The year of Discontent

The social world has been void of my presence lately simply because I find it laborious and of no value to me--it's a waste of time. I have neglected this blog for similar reasons. Additionally, the title of the blog and my profile blurb are not true. I am not satisfied in anything, least of all God. I am not striving to encourage my son or husband in their pursuit of Christ. I am still finite but I have no view of the infinite; my vision is blurry and trained on lesser things at the moment. I am a hypocrite.

The year of 2011 is the year of Discontent. I am discontent, even dissatisfied with myself, my abilities, my job, my accomplishments, my efforts, my parenting, my thesis, my God, my life. I even find myself disappointed by those I love because I have placed unfair and unrealistic expectations on them. I blame everyone but myself for my current habitation of a pit excavated by myself.

Even in my confession I am self-centric; pronouns referring to myself thus far in this post: 27.

When in such a state, this dog returns to the refuse of the destroyed relationship. The longing for connection, for someone to confide in, removed enough to ensure transparency, though able to understand on an emotional, spiritual level--the objective third party. And yet, thoughts toward that party are less than objective. The opinions carry more weight than any deserve. Perhaps it is not as safe as desired. Perhaps not as objective either.

The lust in my veins is sickening--lust for a kind word, company in this pit. And here I am content. Contentment in discontent simply because exertion to escape is too daunting. I am content to do nothing.

I am in quite dire straits.