As I think about the past months, reading old blog posts and personal journal entries, I am somewhat surprised at how different my thoughts and struggles are now after eight months of marriage, 4 months of pregnancy, and one year of graduate studies. Of course I had anticipated a ridiculous amount of change after my wedding, yet there is no method of preparation for all that has come.
I am so very blessed to have my husband beside me. I am confident, with God's grace and strength, nothing will break our commitment; not even my past sin, nor my future shortcomings. I must admit, though, the idea of being a mother is terrifying. I am starting to think defending my thesis will be easier than giving birth. And every time the prospect of having a child frightens the tears out of me, Alex is there with a shirt to cry on as I sit in his arms and listen to his assurance that, though terrifying, it will surpassingly amazing. I am so thankful to have him.
In summation of 2009, I have learned many lessons the hard way, yet God has proven that he remains faithful when I am not. Alex has proven his love is continual. The change and opportunity for despair will continue well into the next year, yet I merely see at as yet another chapter of my many adventures. I have started a new glorious adventure this year of which much of the future is unknown. Yet, I know this: God is God and I am not, and this is wonderful!
Let go. Why do you hold on so tightly to what was never your own? Why do you play the victim in a scene you designed? Why do you question intentions based upon your immediate emotion rather than attempting to understand? Why do you seek for what you know you shall never find?
Is loss too hard to swallow? Is failure too bitter? They are the products of life as a fallen being. The taste of them is inescapable yet never without benefit.
Grasp the lesson so dearly learned. Stand up and continue on the grand adventure. Live. Thrive! And allow the past to remain so.
Tomorrow I am getting married. It's pretty exciting and not nerve wracking at all like many people claim. In fact, I have been so certain about few things in my life. As Alex and I look forward to this life together, I am overwhelmed by so many people around us who continually point us to Christ as he is the author of this marriage. We are truly blessed to be so loved by Jesus our Savior and the friends and family around us.
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