Jun 10, 2015

A finite view of 2015

2015 has been less than kind to me and my family.  I scream out to God wondering when the good things will come.

Sep 9, 2013

Determined Discipline

2 Corinthians 10:5 (Amplified Bible): "We lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ."

Oswald Chambers uses this verse as a talking point directed at working for God for the mere purpose of doing something. He states that more Christian works, or purposes, are performed upon impulse rather than being disciplined and aligned with Christ's will. Though I can understand his view, I cannot think of an example of this.

On the contrary, my own experience has been one of lack of action. Personally, I have the tendency to have an idea or think of a purpose to pursue but allow it to float off without action. I do not follow impulse, I follow fear. I fear failure, ineffectiveness, loneliness, and much other insecurity.

The fears surface as immediately as the original idea and they work vigorously to choke the life from my "impulse." And, instead of taking these impulses captive, evaluating them against Christ's own purpose and strength, I allow them to be driven off before passion can take hold and lead to action.

Both scenarios show a lack of discipline: the first is carelessness, the second is fear--both are self-reliant. The work of Christ does not rely on me but on Christ. Self-reliance is obvious foolishness, whether in action or inaction. Instead, grab hold of those ideas, passions, and impulses and make them obedient to Christ, allowing Him to determine what action, if any, will be taken, regardless of fear or passion. Fully depend on His strength and wisdom.

Chambers summarizes with the following, which is absolutely where this discussion needs to end for me:
We have a tendency to forget that a person is not only committed to Jesus Christ for salvation, but is also committed, responsible, and accountable to Jesus Christ’s view of God, the world, and of sin and the devil. This means that each person must recognize the responsibility to “be transformed by the renewing of [his] mind. . . .” (Romans 12:2).

As my mind is renewed, the tendency to rely on myself will diminish as my reliance on Him  amplifies, allowing His purpose to reign in me.

Sep 8, 2013

Determinedly Demolished

2 Corinthians 10:3-4 (ESV): "For though we walk in the flesh, we are another waging war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not of flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds."

"Deliverance from sin is not deliverance from human nature... Every theory or conception which erects itself as a rampart against the knowledge God is to be determinedly demolished by daring on God's power, not by fleshly endeavor or compromise."

What incorrect conceptions do I have that contradict who God is?  What needs to be "determinedly demolished" so that I may rightly relate to Jesus? So that I can be a spring through which His life flows, showering my family?

Feb 27, 2013


Perhaps the lost opportunity was needed.
Perhaps this was for Alex's encouragement, not my comfort.
Perhaps God really does have better timing than I.
Perhaps trust does grow with relationship.
Perhaps I have a lot to learn.

Aug 7, 2012

A finite view of miscarriage

On July 14th a pregnancy test read positive.  On July 30th an ultrasound offered a glimpse of what was our second child.  On August 1st a blood test proved we would never hold our baby on this side of paradise.

In what has proved to be the most difficult summer of my life, God is clearly propping me up as I lean into Him with every new hardship.  I trust Him.  I do not need a reason for what has happened because He is I AM.  I AM is all I need.

...Kleenex, waterproof mascara, and my husband are extremely helpful, too.  We are mourning the loss of our child, whom we named Asthore Wilmod (dearly loved, resolute spirit).  Yet we find joy in God's promises.

        He will swallow up death forever;
    and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
        and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
        for the LORD has spoken.
    It will be said on that day,
        “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
        This is the LORD; we have waited for him;
        let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
(Isaiah 25:8-9 ESV)

Dec 30, 2011

2011 Retrospect

I think this year deserves copious reflection in order to prepare for 2012 and the new challenges and opportunities I and my family will encounter.  I hope to post my answers in a few days.

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
5. Pick three words to describe 2011.
6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).
8. What were the best books you read this year?
9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

I found this list of reflection questions at simplemom.net.

Dec 28, 2011

The year of Discontent

The social world has been void of my presence lately simply because I find it laborious and of no value to me--it's a waste of time. I have neglected this blog for similar reasons. Additionally, the title of the blog and my profile blurb are not true. I am not satisfied in anything, least of all God. I am not striving to encourage my son or husband in their pursuit of Christ. I am still finite but I have no view of the infinite; my vision is blurry and trained on lesser things at the moment. I am a hypocrite.

The year of 2011 is the year of Discontent. I am discontent, even dissatisfied with myself, my abilities, my job, my accomplishments, my efforts, my parenting, my thesis, my God, my life. I even find myself disappointed by those I love because I have placed unfair and unrealistic expectations on them. I blame everyone but myself for my current habitation of a pit excavated by myself.

Even in my confession I am self-centric; pronouns referring to myself thus far in this post: 27.

When in such a state, this dog returns to the refuse of the destroyed relationship. The longing for connection, for someone to confide in, removed enough to ensure transparency, though able to understand on an emotional, spiritual level--the objective third party. And yet, thoughts toward that party are less than objective. The opinions carry more weight than any deserve. Perhaps it is not as safe as desired. Perhaps not as objective either.

The lust in my veins is sickening--lust for a kind word, company in this pit. And here I am content. Contentment in discontent simply because exertion to escape is too daunting. I am content to do nothing.

I am in quite dire straits.